[This is the fourth and final post in a series entitled Overcoming Orgasm Killers that will examine the various factors that impact a woman’s sexuality, particularly in relation to her ability to orgasm.]
I’ve spoken of some of the personal reasons why a woman might have difficulty achieving orgasm and realizing her full sexual potential, but unless she is content with masturbation as her sole means of sexual gratification, then she’s going to need a lover with whom she can collaborate.
While it’s no lie that a good man is hard to find, I do think that most men sincerely strive to be good lovers. Despite their best intentions, however, they are often impeded by honest ignorance, not to mention warped cultural attitudes. Sometimes they may have even been mislead by women who faked their orgasms due to their own sexual hang-ups. Here are some ways that a man – any man – can not only pleasure his lover, but also help her to feel completely at ease with her sexuality. The key is to make her WANT to fuck you. She won’t want sex if she’s feeling inhibited. Here are some tricks that all good men know:
- Worship her body – I don’t care how much she weighs or what size she was when you met, but if you can convince her that the very sight of her flesh makes you mad with lust, she’s going to enjoy sharing her body with you. All of it!
- Make her feel loved – This just makes for a happy, healthy relationship, which may not necessarily guarantee great sex, but it will certainly facilitate it by making sure her emotional needs are being met.
- Honor her boundaries – Never, ever attempt to coerce, coax or cajole her into doing anything she isn’t completely comfortable with. There’s no harm in making suggestions if you’d like to try something new or different, but be sure that if she expresses any discomfort with the idea that you drop it and let it be. And don’t guilt trip her either. If she reluctantly gives in and lets you give her a facial and then it turns into a bad experience, she’s just going to be resentful. Resentment is NOT sexy. Trust is! If she trusts you then she is far more likely to be willing to experiment.
- Split housework and childcare – Is yours an equal opportunity household? It should be. If you’re wondering why your wife is always too tired to have sex every night, pay attention to what it is she’s been doing until bedtime. I’ll bet she’s not sitting around eating bonbons. This is all about making sure her other needs are met because, like it or not, sex can’t always be her top priority. Ask yourself this: If she doesn’t get the laundry done and the dishes washed and the kids bathed, then who will? If the answer is “Uh, nobody?” or “I dunno?” or “But I work hard all day!” then you’re a slacker. Get off your ass and lend a hand or two and you might get a lot more nookie. And guys, don’t keep score. If your spreadsheet tells you that you’re responsible for X chores and Y chores are her job, then all I can say is I hope your spreadsheet gives good blowjobs.
- Foreplay – While it’s true that plenty of women are ready to fuck on a moment’s notice, this is more the exception than the rule. Even those women for whom this holds true wouldn’t claim to be so ready all the time. Most women need a little preparation. Give her pussy some well-deserved attention. Oral sex is a popular technique, but you can also try fingering her or using her favorite vibe or dildo. I think it’s a good policy to make her come once before penetration. Chances are she’ll be begging for your cock, and wouldn’t that be nice?
- Don’t forget the clit! – The clitoris is such a coy mistress, but my oh my she really can liven things up once you get her going. There are plenty of different ways to make a women climax, but including her clit in your efforts is almost always a sure thing.
- Talk about it – I just can’t say it enough: communication with your partner is crucial not only to your sex life but also to your relationship. In my estimation, if you’re too embarrassed to talk about sex with your lover, then you’re not ready to be having sex. If you really struggle with speaking face-to-face on certain delicate subjects, try writing a letter or an email. Any means will do so long as you’re honest and specific.
Although this list is not by any means exhaustive, it does cover the basics. Bear in mind that each woman is a unique individual and if you really want to know how to please her, ask her. These general tips will get you started in the right direction. It’s really pretty simple. Make her feel good about herself, earn her trust, respect her boundaries, devote yourself to her pleasure, and talk to her. These are the secrets to a fun and rewarding sex life. These are the ways to help her overcome her own insecurities and shame, and if you are the one to accompany on her journey of self-discovery, you will reap the rewards tenfold.
Finally, a word for the ladies – if your man is not willing to abide by these basic guidelines, dump him. You deserve to be worshiped and appreciated. Don’t settle for anything less. Good men may be scarce, but they are out there.
Let’s wrap things up with a couple of tunes. I couldn’t decide which of these to post, so I’m going to share them both. I figure it’s only fair to include a male and female perspective:)
A Good Man is Hard to Find – by the iconic Bessie Smith