Archived Posts from 'Letters' Category

Dear Burger King Dude

It’s time to speak frankly. I’ve made a mistake and I need to come clean. The other day when I passed you on the sidewalk and we engaged in some friendly small talk, I’m afraid I led you to believe that I enjoyed your company. But let’s clarify some things.

First, I was preparing to pass you because I always maintain a quick pace. I walk a mile each way to work, and in the afternoons I barely make it home before my son gets off the school bus, so I’m in a bit of hurry. You were ambling along at a more relaxed pace and that’s cool. What’s not cool is the way you sped up as soon as I tried to pass you. You then proceeded to compliment me, which was very kind but also very transparent. My mistake was to continue to humor you because I’m just too goddamn nice to tell you what’s in my heart, which sounded more like “Leave me the fuck alone, creep.”

It’s not my nature to be blatantly cruel to someone who means no harm. But you need to realize that you basically had me cornered there on that sidewalk and the way you took advantage of that situation to follow me all the way to my street was rather clingy of you. You see, there’s only one street that goes directly from downtown to my neighborhood. In order to avoid your unsolicited conversation I would have to walk several blocks out of my way, and I just don’t have time for that.

And yet, that is exactly what I did yesterday when I ran into you yet again at the intersection. Unable to stomach the thought of 20 more minutes of your inane conversation, I lied to you. I told you I had to go a different direction and left you there at the corner. It was an immense relief, I confess, but again I erred on the side of kindness rather than honesty. This cost me several precious minutes of extra walking, and when I finally detoured back onto the route home, I was dismayed to see that you weren’t that far ahead of me. Perhaps you were hoping that if you lumbered along slowly enough that I would once again be compelled to pass you and then! That would be your chance! To dazzle me with . . . what exactly? How does a homely Burger King employee such as yourself intend to woo an attractive and accomplished woman such as myself?

I think it’s time you made a realistic assessment of your dating currency. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that you are single, or your girlfriend has done you a terrible disservice by allowing you to appear publicly in your BK uniform without intervening on your behalf. I suspect you may be one of those guys who leers at all the sorority chics that come through the drive thru. Maybe you even try to flirt with them, because you’re really a nice guy (I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, if only because that is surely how you perceive yourself) and Nice Guys(TM) deserve hot babes.

This is a common misconception, one that is tragically perpetrated by awful movies such as The Benchwarmers and jerks like David Spade. Sure, Nice Guys(TM), homely or otherwise, do in fact deserve to be loved and get their fair share of pussy, just like the jocks and rock stars and other chic magnets. However, just because unattractive losers need love and pussy, too, doesn’t mean that they should expect to receive it from hot babes. Maybe not even remotely attractive women. Step away from your Wii for a bit and take stock of the world around you. People tend to end up with a partner who matches them in terms of attractiveness. You’re pudgy and jowl-faced and not very smart. You work at Burger King. You don’t own a car. You need to find a girl who shares your, uh, qualifications.

In short, I’m way out of your league dude and I can’t find a nicer way to say it. Leave me the fuck alone, please, so I can walk home in the serenity of my own fascinating thoughts unencumbered by your clumsy intrusions. Thank you and have a nice day.

Filed under: Unsolicited Advice, Letters | June 1st, 2007 Comments (1)

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