You shouldn’t have to go solo, but if you do . . .

At long last, a reader has sent me a solicitation for advice. Bless you, dear woman! Her first email was quite brief:

My man can’t keep up with my hyper sexual needs. I am turning to battery operated machinery to quell my needs. What do you recommend????

I wasn’t quite clear on what sort of recommendation she was asking for. Normally, I would advise someone in her circumstances to dump the dope (this is my default answer in most scenarios), but I thought it would be more prudent to get some more information first, so I wrote back requesting details. She happily obliged:

Yes, I am married. We have been for five years and together for 7. I do have children. We have two boys, 4 and 13 mo. I recently stopped breastfeeding after a year and have been hypersexual ever since then. After being pregnant and/or breastfeeding for nearly 4 years straight, I seemed to have finally gotten my groove back. I’m 32 so maybe I’m finally hitting my peak.

My husband lost his father in November. It was absolutely devastating to the entire family. He has also gained a lot of weight and has absolutely NO motivation to do anything. He’s on a lot of medication for anxiety and now for cholesterol and high blood pressure (he’s only 36). We don’t really communicate about sex, we just do it (sometimes). Basically I can get him to do it but it doesn’t last very long and I am the one that ends up unsatisfied. I have to take care of myself. Then of course I’m all pissed off because I’m frustrated and he just goes to bed. ARGH!!! Which leads me to my question to you. If I am going to take care of business myself, I want something fun and exciting to do it with.

I’m a private investigator so I know the signs of cheating and that is definitely NOT why he doesn’t have anything other than the “slam bam” interest in me. It would take effort for him to get out and see someone else. I can’t get him to make any effort in our house so why in the world would he make an effort for someone else!!!

I appreciate your advice! I love your blog. I was thinking of writing an erotic blog myself just to get some of the dirty thoughts in my head out. ;P

Being married with children makes it a bit harder to simply walk away from a bad lover. It’s one thing when you’re dating and childless, but once you have a family you really do owe it to your partner and your children to make an effort to improve the situation before you simply dump him. And it sounds like this woman doesn’t want a divorce, she just wants orgasms! Who can blame her?

Now that she has clarified her desire for recommendations in the sex toy department, I’m happy to offer my input. However, I feel compelled to first comment on the situation in general.

Dear Reader,

It sounds like your husband has some valid issues related to his health as well as his emotional well-being (grieving for his father). I’m not a pharmacist but I do know that some medications are known libido killers, so it might be worth looking into that. Talk to his doctor and see if there any alternative medications that won’t impact his sexual desire.

What worries me is that you seem resigned to your fate as a nearly-sexless wife. This is even more troublesome because you mentioned that neither of you communicate about sex.

Allow me to pause for dramatic effect.



You really need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband. It sounds like he’s not even aware that you are dissatisfied with your sex life. You can’t really blame him for being clueless if you don’t speak up. I suggest that you start out by expressing your needs in terms of your concern for him and for your marriage. Make it clear that you don’t want to leave him, you want to help him. Discuss the possibility of new medication, as I mentioned above. Suggest some grief counseling. Offer him reassurance that you care about him and you want him to be happy, but also be sure to express that you are not happy with the current state of affairs. Tell him that you are willing to give him time to heal and sort through his problems, but that you’re too young and too lusty to shelve your sex life indefinitely.

The important thing is to be gentle and to frame your discussion as a desire to strengthen your marriage. Let him know that you value your relationship with him and you want to do what’s best for your family. But he needs to meet you half way.

It’s important to bear in mind that sexual needs are no less valid than emotional needs. I’ve discussed this before, and I can’t say it enough – no marriage can thrive as long as one partner is not getting their needs met, whether they are sexual or emotional or otherwise.

Of course, your husband can’t meet your needs if you don’t express to him what those needs are. It sounds like you also need to speak up in bed. Tell him what you like. Or better yet, show him! Explore different techniques to help him maintain his erection longer. Some couples find it helpful to have him cum before sex, usually with a nice blow job, and then when he’s ready for more he’s likely to last much longer.

OK, now I’ll step off my soapbox and get to your actual question. You want some fun and exciting masturbation aids? Goodness, there are zillions to choose from and everyone has different tastes, but I can recommend some of my favorites.

  • WildFire – This is a G-spot vibrator that we use often and I love it. The brand may differ but the design is the same, and if it’s good enough for Susie Bright, it’s good enough for me!
  • A good bullet vibe – This is a must in my opinion, and there are lots of models to choose from. Depending on your preference, any of the following variations have merit:
    • Durex Little Gem – Rechargeable and ergonomic! This one looks quite promising, but since I’ve never actually used it I can’t guarantee that it lives up to the hype. However, when I’m ready to upgrade to a new model, I’ll definitely be looking for those two qualities – rechargeable battery and ergonomic design.
    • Wireless and waterproof – Handy features, but the cell batteries don’t last long and they cost more than the vibe. Might be worthwhile if you plan to get yourself off in the bath!
    • Turbo Tingler – Operated by a remote control, this type takes AA batteries which are cheap and easy to come by. I don’t mind the wire at all myself, and variable speed control is a nice feature.

These are some toys that I’ve never used but I definitely would love to try them out sometime:

  • Hitachi Magic Wand– A true classic! As you may have noticed, I hate buying batteries, so I’d love to have one of these.
  • Durex Ellipse – I love the sleek design and again, rechargeable batteries are a definite bonus.
  • Crystal Wand – Looks very promising and has a lovely design. I find that if I have a vibrator on my clit sometimes it’s overkill to have a penetrative vibrator as well. This would be a great companion to a bullet vibe, in my opinion.
  • Royal Balls – Also known as Smart Balls, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I don’t already own a set of these because they are just too cool. My next sex toy purchase will most certainly be a set of these.

Like I said, every woman is different so if none of these appeal to you then by all means, keep looking. Babeland is a highly reputable dealer in sex toys and just browsing through their store is enough to get me stirred up.

Good luck, my dear reader, and I hope your situation improves in all respects. And if you ever start your own erotic blog, by all means let me know so I can check it out!



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